My friend emailed me this question and said it was ok for me to blog on it.

“I was chatting with my friends, one of whom is also a single mom. The question is when do you tell a guy that you have a child and how do you approach it. I got all kinds of responses but really feel like this is a question worth exploring.”

Whoa boy!  My buddy sure gave me an interesting topic to talk about in the latest and greatest edition of this so-called blog.

There are really only two perspectives to this question, at least in my eyes.  Let us start with the male point of view.  I won’t even lie and say I represent the generic malepoint of view, but at least I am a man.

As guys we automatically believe every girl has some sort of secret they are hiding.  I seriously think we have trust issues, especially when we are looking for relationships or JUST starting a relationship.  Even I can say that when I was on Match.com and Eharmony.com…I was screening those profiles for red flags.  Would I say a young woman with a child is a “red flag?”  Absolutely not.  However I am telling you now ladies…if you have a kid at home and you aren’t up front with that, it will not be good.  As a guy I would want to know that information pretty early if not right up front.

Is it wrong that a guy needs to know that info, even if you are just in preliminary talks…not even dating?  I’m a believer in communication and also not breaking hearts.  What if you feel that “spark” the first few dates?  Then you tell the guy you have a kidand he walks?  That is setting you both up for a sad night.

To a lesser extent…I’d be upset if the girl I was going on a date with never revealed she was a smoker, and then lit a cig up every five minutes on our date.  It’s just better to be upfront.  That way you know the guy you are going out with is accepting of you.

Let me also play Devil’s Advocate though.  I’m sure a lot of single Moms are thinking “Yeah Joe, but what about the fact that it seems like no guy wants to get with a girl who has a kid!”  Fair enough…but I think you decrease the asshole guys who think that way if you are upfront about it.  To a guy if you wait a few dates before telling them you have a child…they are going to think you are hiding other things.  And most guys are paranoid creatures of the night.  There is no reason to make them go madwith suspicious visions of distrust.

Let me also add a tirade to this though.  Ok guys, I’m not saying every one of you need to change whatever your standards are…but I do know some of you are so obscene about even going near a single mom.  It’s downright pathetic, as if those girls haveleprosy.  Also there is a difference between a whore who doesn’t take care of her children and those that love and care for their kids.  I grew up in a place where girls used abortion as a contraceptive.  I knew too many girls who couldn’t keep their legs closed, had a few puppies and made their parents raise those kids.  I get it why some guys have a wrongful stereotype on single moms…But it’s you assholes who plant the seeds!  It’s a two part system!  I also love the guys who bang the girl and walk out of her life when he finds out they are pregnant.  You idiots should be shot.

The fact is…it is a vicious, vicious cycle.  We stereotype all young women with kids as “whores” which is just a damn shame.  Having a child is NOT a bad thing.  It certainly should not determine if you should continue dating a girl or not.  Being a single mom is not a deterrent.  Should it be disclosed up front? Absolutely, but don’t you dare runas soon as you find that out.  You are only proving that are an ass with no feelings.

I realize I am bashing my own gender hard here…but the fact is most girls didn’t look at me because they distrusted all guys…and I am not anything like a stereotypical fratster.  So idiot guys made it hard for THIS nice guy to even have a chance out there.

The question was:  “When do you tell a guy you have a child and how do you approach it?”  The bottom-line answer is you disclose early in talks or on first dates.  I’d approach it as if it was just another fact about yourself.  Don’t be scared or ashamed of it.  The way I see it…if you are a good mother to that child than you should be proud, ladies.  You are Moms and we guys should respect that, maybe even commendyou for being stronger than we are as young, single Mothers.

As guys we should be respectful of Single mothers.  We should not turn in disgust or run away after hearing the facts.  Does this mean we have to never screen out single moms?  No; some young guys want to start clean…and I don’t know of a better way to put that.  Some guys would rather start a family from scratch.  This does not mean we need to treat single mothers like lepers, damnit!  Everyone has a preference and avision for their future life.

As I write this I realize this is more difficult than even I thought.  It is so complicated because the issue runs deeper than just approaching a guy with being a single mother.  Every guy is different.  Some guys would be open to you having a child.  Some would be worried.  Some would unfortunately be disgusted.  But I feel like thebest thing you could do is be up front about it.  If a guy walks away then he is a douche’ and not worth your time anyway, ladies.  In some ways it may even be a good screening tool.  If a guy is open to the idea of you having a kid…that may mean he hasa shred of decency and cares about his future.

However I do know some guys are not interested in Single Moms because, like I said, they would like to only bear their own children with a girl.  That is when it becomes a gray area.  If a guy turns you away because they are a dick…then they are bad seeds.  BUT…what about those guys who don’t scorn you, but would rather find a girl that does not have children so they can have just their own?  Are they bad people?  That’s a touchy area.  I can’t sit and say “every guy should be open to being with a girl that already has a child.”  In the end I suppose it truly is a personal choice.  My biggerproblem is the wrongful stereotype most guys have of single mothers.

Girls…always be proud.  Never, ever be ashamed of having kids.  The right guy WILL be open and love you for you.  If you tell a guy early enough, that is all you can do.  I don’t want to make it sound like you stick your hand out and say “Hi, I’m Jennifer and I am a single mom.”  All I’m saying is…it probably should come up in conversation on a first date…maybe somewhere in the middle of it.  Connect first, then disclose as theconvo starts getting deeper.

This is my take at least.  I knew, literally, dozens of single moms as I grew up from a teenager to my twenties.  So I do think I have a decent amount of knowledge on this subject.  Am I infallible in my opinions?  No.  But this is my blog and this is how Ithink.  You can agree or disagree.
 


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